blessed

This semester has taught me a lot about the things I keep and I let go....

I am changing my major. I am going to persue something I am really good at. Hopefully I will figure it all out. I will take more risks. I will try not to worry so much. I will get hurt, and move on and learn from it.

I have never laughed so hard, stayed out so late, cried my eyes out, lost sleep, smiled til it hurt, and soaked in every moment of it until now.

Cheers to the new years

being an adult in the life


I have so much to look forward to

and so much i need to leave behind

lets think

maybe for a minute we could shake ourselves into thinking we're not in love any more. MAYBE

we're just as stupid as we want to be. Perhaps so

then if so why do we try to trick ourselves out of this state

why


cause we like it here


even if it hurts.

the pieces don't fit anymore

I did it...for myself

I cried my heart out last night
and today

The pain will not go away


and for now

I will endure it

No more relapses

it's time to pick myself up.

for the level headed and understanding that take the hand of a poor person and shoots the skies with smiles ill miss you like the verse to a song that people only know the chorus to
and ill fly by life by knowing your presence was fallible and clench my fists to hold my anger in cause i know that it takes forgiveness to be able to love you
cause here your lies hold no tangible in respect to the fact you hold me in no priority or value
i wish i could embrace the past cause that was you that i saw in my eyes that was once

special

more than anything i want to feel anything other than what i feel right now
given that I could erase my emotions and paint a pale blue sky and whisper to the clouds
hi
his eyes can lie to my face and place stabs that penetrate deep into the subconscious and if love has its alibis he can commit double homocide
within his murmurs
till he can bleed me dry of what im worth to cover up the evidence in his words
poetic bullshitter of my world performs his sonnets while kickin my soul into the dirt
i wanna be so far into the ground that i want to hear the politics of worms shifting through dreams while shitting their thoughts out their ass

so it won't hurt


and maybe ill learn

Real Talk

Its maybe just the weather, or maybe I am thinking too much. Things I felt I could let go become huge obstacles to get over. I thought I was so strong. Now I feel helpless, and angry.

Granted I've been blessed with the presence of my friends and family.
Just these days I think about how much people have changed. Maybe it's my turn to do so.

Change...

I have done so many many many times. Yet to square one I come falling back. I can't unlearn the things I am so used to. I can't say "oh I just don't care". I do and at times I feel like kicking myself for doing so. For caring...for giving...for loving....for letting myself do those things so easily.

I am giving myself up for the hopes that someone will give something back to me. I deserve more than what I've been dealt, and with tears I can admit that to myself. That I admit that I accept that I am treated less than a human being when I offer my heart. Even more so......I've accepted that treatment, and swallowed it. Now it's left me scared.

.....alone.


Not loving...not needing...not wanting....anything...or anyone

I feel liberated

and really numb...


its cold

If I were a boy

If I were a boy
even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I'd never get confronted for it
cause they stick up to me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think i'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrooong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
and you don't understand, ohhhh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy


Best friend.....im working on it.....

it doesnt matter if you can sing

what matters is how loud you can sing






he will never cease to amaze me.


<3

we can only run so far

running
faster than
tears can
faster than
fall
faster than
heavy hearts can lift heavy lids to see sleep in the distance
to never reach its destination
till its your eyes that are filled with images of why it should hurt
but it does more than enough to make you forget that its not worth
the emotion
but still it tears and so you pant away your regrets into a pillow case thats become your bestfriend till you see her
lying face down in her bathroom
trying to hear the sound of hope
dwindling in the next window

hope in the next window
open the next window

let the door shut so you can leave this bathroom.

Low

he wants to have sex with me
breathly strokingly petting fingering poking me
slowly physically imploring me boring me
with his talk of good sex big penis and
moan stories
sorry i don't mean to demean your "manly glory"
last time i got wet was when i stepped in the shower
HOMMIE
and only thing that feened and pleaded

was the shampoo bottle


rinse

lather

wash

and repeat as needed

Game I can't win

we're timing each other
moving
smacking backs of clocks
matching each other's movements
thinking up strategies to check the opponent
mind games meticuliously implemented
so that moves must be carefully planned
till the players are guided by caluculating hands


i chose to build walls in defense of what's most precious to me
and in this romantic game of love your Knights prance L's
till loser across the board is all I see
nervous, I planned to make a come back with my pawns
to seduce you to thinking to move where i want

Like all higher beings

you see right through my fronts


so you take your casualties

as your rooks steal across

I fend for myself in a checkered box

he said

"no mercy in war and love"
and in this kingdowm of black and white
no grey arose


White castles
you stole
in a haste
black bishops
knelt
and prayed

and in my king's square dance

I asked him am I your pawn



or your queen?






"I can't play this game you make"

stop before I say something stupid

Unread.

Dear Love,

That dances behind the eyes of memory.In the moment of quiet solitude could we think the strings that once bound words of lovers become thin threads of what once was a deeper connection. The joined hearts of two, the separation, the journey to move on, and the strength to embrace what was once lost. So here in this backseat, here in these headphones, staring out through blank eyes are you....who once looked at me....with adoring eyes....here you are saved so dearly in the back of my head along with the memories that are as carefully selected as a file in a filing cabinet. So slowly it creeps...a smile across my face.

Happy to smile at what we once had. Smile at what I have. As it fades a fond memory to look back upon, and a friendship to hold on tightly to.


and like that

this letter and many letters are never sent.

more than anyone

just as much as anyone.


I want to feel.


New school year, and a new outlook on life. Let go.....of all the things that held me back before.

I might just be ready for something of grand proportions.


Who knows..

No Wonder

I can't think right now. Too many things have happened since the last time we talked. All I know is I really hope things will work out for the both of us. I just want to see you happy.

Truth is


I am beyond exhaustion.

I think people can see it.

I want to sleep but can't. I am suffering from some sort of anxiety that kills me.
I just keep replaying this one thought. I am sure no one will understand.


I just....

well

hate this lonely business.

I like sleeping over the significant other's house
I like finding my niche.
I like breathing in his skin.
I like putting my lips on his skin...no kissing just feeling the warmth on my lips.

I hate sleeping with my lupmy pillow.
I hate looking for the "cool spot"
I hate it when my sister snores
I hate how chapped my lips get when I sleep



I just remember what a wise person once said

"you could become each other's biggest mistake, but we take the risk anyway...all we really want to see are the benefits."

The problem is...as humans we're gonna see what we want to see....and hear what we want to hear too.


end transmission

You Ain't Artsier Than Me

whaaattt

I just got reminded...

where the funky did this CD go??

I don't want to sleep on the UK

whatever it is they're doing. They got so much soul over there.

I try to hold on to you

I love J.Rawls.

I've been super busy lately. Firework stand. Work. The ex.

I don't even know where to begin. Its truly over whelming.


but




I met someone. It's not a ....
I met someone...

more like I knew someone...but now I KNOW him. The conversation was just so real.
I am enlightened like never before.

He was full of knowledge. Crazy cool. Confident. Real smooth.

It was...more of a....this cat had his life in order.
It's attractive.....

he got a job
drove a car
independent of himself

He was smart...and he blew me away.

I see him in a whole different light. I wondered why I never talked to him before.

refreshing.

Not jumping into things. Talking to other guys really isn't my steez right now.

However....

I made a new friend.

tell me a story

I promise I'll leave the past where it belongs in exchange for an understanding.


I am not perfect. I did not say I would try to be.

I am hurt beyond what eyes and ears comprehend when you're around me. Believe me I bleed. I just keep to myself and I will smile for the better of whatever it is I am involved with. Do not mistake my going out for craving attention or become that "party girl"...I just can't be at home...I am restless.

relationship wise...right now


I'm tired.


Love is Biblical...not Godly but deeply rooted in faith.

Important enough to tell the greatest stories man has ever heard...about deceit trust, belief, cheating, dying and coming back to life, forgiveness, spite, punishment ect. It had to be translated into thousands of different Languages and spread across the world.


I just want to chill with my bible.



re-gain my faith.

You Can't Please Everyone

I officially did it today.

Day of all days


The Horror..The horror



I have managed to throw off so many people in the SPAN OF ONE WEEKEND.
THE CHERRY ON THE FUCKIN TOP ON THE STUPID ASS ICE CREAM.

Really though.


What can I do.

What can I do?

I got so much love on my side.


"I feel neglected."

HOW CAN I FIX THAT WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THAT. YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
I AM SORRY.


IVE BEEN DOING IT AGAIN...NEGLECTING PEOPLE
IM SORRY.
I WANTED TO EXPAND MY CIRCLE OF FRIENDS.

WHAT HAPPENS? I MOVE AWAY FROM THOSE WHO MATTER.

fuck everything I was doing before...

Ill do good on this.

I promise



I love you guys.



fuccccckkk maaaaan



Why is it when things seems ok that they're not.

"Do you, Laura, do you."

I did.....

and then what happened?


This hurts. More than anything this breaks me. I am always one to not be fazed when shit doesn't work out. This...this really hurts.


Those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter.


To all my FAKE CATS


"Running up on me like you miss me, you catchin the wrong vibe...............I say my piece and then I hush."

-Big Boi




I don't play the field.
I just watch the game.

boom cat.

Bite Your TONGUE

I just got into a fight with my brother/best friend.

This time I am not sugar coating anything.


I am not going to keep protecting you.

It is time to grow up.

I am at peace

Depsite the fact there was a typhoon in the Phillipines
My cousin is garduating and I won't be there for her
My other cousin has finally set up his clothing line
my grandma is sick, and I miss her with everything I got
my sister just broke up with her boyfriend
I've gotten distant from my parents
We're in a state of debt and the only people bringing in income
is my mom and me.
I miss my friends. They're going on to bigger and better things.
I've seen 3 bums on the same corner.
One of them had a baby.

I am at peace.....I just have to keep reminding myself that I can't change the world.

I just have to do my part to help.

Really?

I am still a little kid when it comes to some things.
I swear to G I used to think keeping my shoes tied was going to be my biggest problem as a kid.
What is it going to take to show you I stay laced up.

I still have problems talking to the opposite sex. Freezing up, getting too shy, and coming off like I don't give a fuck. Most people say I gotta treat em like I don't like them. Be their friend. Cause I know I do more for my friends than for a dude I like.

Just feel me on this....there's only one person who puts me in the "I WILL DO WHATEVER. WHENEVER. HOW EVER" kind of mind set. No matter how many guys I get to talking to, dating, and chillen. There's only one I really want to build with. Only one I want to be near. It's the same person I feel like I have to let go in order to grow up.

It is killing me how much he stays on my mind. I'll be driving over to his house in the NORTH to come in for FIVE minutes to say HI, make up some dumb ass excuse as to why I am there, and dip because I feel like I'LL EXPLODE if I stay. I will run back each and every time, and put $4.21 per gallon worth of gas to see him for only 5 minutes before I decide I need to run far away. This is how I close one door, just to have one foot in the other.

Dear Love,

you kill me.


I will miss the certain aspects of what used to be our relationship.

-when you walk away pissed it would make me want to hold you tighter
-how stupid our jokes would be.
-the politicking we get into when it comes to the EAST COAST and THE WEST COAST
-You trying to teach me to go hyphy
-when it rains you'll stand over me
-when you're sick we'll just cuddle till you feel better
-you always find my hand to hold. always.

As lame and weenie like as it sounds. I miss all that...and trying to establish anything with anyone else is hard.

That's the effort in trying.

You put yourself out there fully ready to get blown away.


Despite everything. You wait.

I wait. There is nothing worse than waiting in vain.

Waiting for him to get his life together.

Waiting out the worst

Waiting to get left behind

Waiting for someone to prove you wrong.

.....


So we go on in this existence waiting. Just maybe, I don't want to wait for anything stated above to happen anymore.


No. I am not going Lesbian.

Peace

hmm california.

I Keep Hearing Things

IN MY ROOM......like whispering.....

sigh

whoever is reading this COME VISIT ME AT WORK TOMORROW

I KNOW PEOPLE ARE READING THIS BUT DON'T COMMENT


it
is
weird


anyway. What's really good =)

Cupcaking at Brittany's !!!!!!!

no really<33333333

Love it.



FABULOUS

Nothing but Stars
the Company<3 8D
music<333 LAURYN HILL UNPLUGGED
warm weather
lights eminating from the strip
and a pool




I don't want to get over this feeling.

ever.

"I won't have no more of this passin me by"

Don't Set Yourself Up To Fall In Love

Talked to the homies. They understand the concept of getting out of vegas.

Been through too many fake people.
Bad Situations.
Liars.
Bad Relationships.
fucked Up Dudes
laggin on the Education


I've heard it all. Well Laura, that's LIFE. It's not easy and things don't work out.
The besties understand. It won't be long till everyone has left this City.

I don't care anymore.

Aside from my friends and family.I can't dig this place. Everything here was meant to be a fantasy for anyone who came to visit. If you live here it's all one big STAGE. Anywhere you wanna act, you can drive to. Wanna hear a Taxi in NY...NYNY is where it's at. Wanna eat a croissant in Paris? Grab a crepe while you're at it. Explore the (suicide) pyrimids? Luxor. Feel free to feel up on Lancelot at Excalibur..I mean what the feez. I am not at home. I honsetly tried.

What needs to be done

1. Having some home grown GOOD DJ's to mix. DJ's who rep Vegas...who are really up on shit..DJ's who don't claim LA, the Bay, or some other CITY, DJ's who let their skills speak for themselves....Dj's who don't HYPE themselves up.
2. Giving the 18 & over crowd some venues that aren't the size of Mc Donalds, and aren't ware houses. Though Warehouse parties are dope. They get broken up way too easily.
3. Offering more than REC centers and High School auditoriums to show case YOUNG TALENT.
4. Put Basements in houses. Basement=Basement Party=No DTP=No cops breaking shit up at 12 o'clock.
5. We need some sky scrapers.
6. we need more chivalry.
7. we need less skanks killin it for the rest of us.
8. We need more good guys aka (Chris, Nick, Nerry..ect)
9. A better public transportation system
10. CHEAPER GAS

NY Don't Love YOU.


Im done.

Obliteration

Talking to Mike....

makes me miss him terribly.


I am a sucker for words.

"I gave her a beautiful bouquet of,
poetry.
and she managed to take each word
and carefully,
meticulously,
throw every word back down my throat
until i was convicted
of putting words in my own mouth.

love her

i painted her name amongst the stars
in the most beautiful calligraphy.
held her hand when she fell,
and let her go when I stumbled.
and carefully,
slowly,
she ignored my enigmatic portrait,
and kept her hands too busy for me,
free of tax.

love her

i read psalms to her palms,
breathing in every smile she evoked
singing her heart into a love blessed slumber
and carefully,
anxiously,
she sang along with her headphones
while i read to her,
and read 'i love you' notes from other brothers,
to ignore my melodic singing,
pretending to sleep, until i left her.

love her

but now i've left.
i've packed my bags
well…bag,
and headed down an unfamiliar road
that hasn't greeted me so openly
for quite some time.
i'm hurt, betrayed, lost…
yet excited.

still love her"


his words =/


I hate to love his poetry.

It used to be that everyday was a challenge to avoid the pictures, blogs, and myspaces I was so used to treading on.

I am ok. Been getting on with things.

Moving at my own pace. Which feels good.

Things are looking up. Planning on the big move. =D


I miss my besties.



I havent seen them since I got a car and freedom to roam around at all hours of the night. I miss them super much. I never realized how relationships really pull people. I never realized that I must have missed out on so many things being with him. You know you miss your best friends when the only way to see them is to agree on a double date. LOL no thanks next time =D

Brit's come to be the closest thing to a girl friend since ERICA and BLYTHE.
Girls who don't judge me. Just are there, not to be seen. Just to be foundation when you need it.

I am glad she's there to hear me out. I want to be there for her too.


This Summer has been the best one so far.
I only have my friends to thank for that one. North Town is my second home. Though very far..well worth the drive.


Gas prices are kicking my ass though. I am not up there as much....

hopefully I will be soon.



<333 much love

MIA.

chill.

i spit game cause baby i can't talk it.

word?


a conversation...weak game that was...cute?

So when I say slow........
-I would Respect that
So when I say relationships get ill
-I say The Roots? *(smiles)
ooo Brownie Points
-you're counting?
Maybe..
-numbers.....can be complicated.
I dunno I like lots of numbers on my paycheck
-I only like 7.
That's an....ok number. Just not on a paycheck
-No I like 7 different numbers preferably ones that connect me to you.
Ewww you lost like 28 brownie points just now.
-Do I still have 7?

oo ya think you're sllliiiccckkk




Good night. Bad morning. woke up sick, and lonely. I miss having someone to come through and take care of me, and cuddle while I slept. That's the sucky thing about being in relationships for so long. You get used to the simple comforts of another person's company. Then the day comes when you gotta convince yourself you don't need anyone to be happy. Those lonely stretches do get at you sometimes. Eh.. I got pillows. LMAO

I really want to see BLU. I also really want to see Nerry.
Nerry Wins by a landslide.


I'll see him another day


It weird cause before he got all big and shit...with about 400 something plays to his name I would be messaging dude to come and perform in Vegas. No one knew who the fuck he was. I was straight up giddy about it. His manager would be like "yeah find us a venue we don't care we'll come through". Even before NOCANDO said that his album was under-rated...I was on top of all that. Forgive the fan-girl status but He got me on the first hook. KERBLOAW! He was here for MAGIC....and he's coming again.

I hate how insanely close I am to being 21. If anything...its the shows I wish to go to...fuck the clubs...

I have a crush on him. Weak ass.



siiggghh.






"BABE CAN WE JUST CUDDLE!!!!!!!!!"-Aika

I miss that
I miss NT
I miss California.
I am tired of missing shit.


/edit/

I think I am exclusive to someone. I think. Shrugs.

/re-edit/


NOPE.

Choux

I paid off my ticket. This stress has been lifted off my shoulders. I edited-re-edited-andmessed around with the coding for my layout...buuutt in the end. This site hates what I do.

Keeping up with the Jones's?

HAHA funny.
Interesting factoid today...

I got kicked out of my store today cause I wore PRO-KEDs

no joke they told me as a sales rep...that I couldn't wear these shoes. I got walked out and that was it. The store is completely SHOE-RACIST. I don't know. I should probably have brought my vans/converses/flip flops.

Whatever the fuck. I spent my day in MUNICIPAL COURT. Fun stuff with the Mommadukes. Got to talking about direction, and well California it is! I'll be up and out of here as soon as I finish my classes. Maybe it will help to leave this place behind. Honestly am tired. This place wears me out. Everyday trying to figure out what is out there.

Besides A Good Party

You know....someone is trippin off of E, getting high in the backyard, swimming naked in the pool, and fucking in the bathroom.

What's to say I am not 21. I've done pretty much everything a 21 year old has. Probably done more things as a 20 year old than a 24 yr old. Maybe excluding other things. I don't do sexcapades. First time I heard about those I nearly tripped off myself. LOL


Dear G,

"word. Thanks for reminding me why I am celibate."


Best conversation I have had in a long time.


Clubs. Drinks. Drugs. Guys. Hangovers. Sleepless Nights. Energy Drinks. Sweat. Music. Dancing. Dizzy. VIP. Down for WHATEVEr. Sushi....<3

I used to do nights like this last summer. Now I just wanna tone down. Do some dope things. Gain some knowledge. Go to new places.

I have a list of things to do before I leave Vegas.


-tell everyone how I feel
-learn to break (all over again)
-walk Fremont at night
-go Cliff Diving
-attend my friend's wedding
-make more girl friends
-go to a outdoor theatre
-All day at a park
-Visit an art Museum (on any other day but FIRST FRIDAY)
-Go to a Poetry Slam
-Attend an Open Mic
-Go to an Electro Dance Party
-Meet more people
-get a better job
-go on a date with the best friend (mark)
-Throw Hieu a going away party
-buy me those supras.
-listen to more music
-Watch the Sunrise on the Strip.
-learn to skateboard
-go to the gym
-finish pre med
-hold on to my friends
-quit flaking
-I don't have to find the right guy
I just want to proove

when it comes to dating

"not all guys are the same"****


more will be added to the list. Hopefully more things will be taken off it.







aside from all the crazyness of this week I can't wait till the weekend.....<4

Friday- ??????
Saturday- Brit's DD, Nerry's n Chris's Bday
Sunday- RA, Chris is DD






oh and btw
"I miss you"







-gay

Love Sick

I can't wait till Sunday Morning =D

Yet another great day.

You Know What They Say...

"Things happen for a reason."



I wasted my time. What's the reason for that?

I wonder the word "try".

So I talked to Mike today. We barely hit each other up now a days. It's good to hear his voice. I miss him.


Like all other things I gotta pick up and go.

Just go.

I try.

Other than that I need to put up some pictures.

It's All Bullshit

Come on Summer.......


give me a sign.

Should I leave...should I stay...

I hate this feeling like whatever choice I make might just screw me over.


If Tim is reading this...


I DO HAVE INTELLECTUAL THOUGHTS.....and I like to curse..it is fun and adds emphasis.


Either way


"you know what love is....."

mmhhmm

Skipping the records is the thing for today.

anyway gunna go look for the rest of my day. =/

Let's Not Jump To Conclusions

but...


Did I do something wrong?

Everyday is Saturday Night

but I can't wait till Sunday Morning.

North Town

I've been going there all fuckin week.

This is a vent.


To all the educated mindful dudes. You know the ones who got their heads on, but their dicks erect. You know the "I know what I am doing, but truthfully I want it to be you". REAL SLICK when it comes to dating. Every girl knows the type. The one who puts on more mind games than cranium on DS. You know those. There is one in your circle of friends. Do the whole 6 degrees on separation if you have to. There is that one who is just looking out for his.

I've met quite a few, and I know I know a whole lot of them personally.

This is to you.

These guys have gotten privy to the game. Let's face it, females were these complex creatures who were taught to put up all these walls. You know the "Date Like a DUDE, so you don't get PLAYED like a BITCH." type girls. ATTENTION LADIES....time to build more walls that extend the length of CHINA. Why? Guys have learned to accept NO, and move onto OK let's take it slow. Ladies? This used to be a good thing to hear!

The game has gotten shallow. Guys are now feeling like they can introduce girls to their families, they are being more patient when it comes to sex, they are more attentive, and they know what we want to hear. Guess what? They've learned how to be exclusive without feeling it. They know how to make you feel like their world, and they're perfectly aware of the rest of the universe. Make shit short and sweet. They are sinking to new lows to get in your pants. The lows that women hold so high. They know how to play "in love".

how sad is that?

Not just for us, but for all the GOOD GUYS who do give a damn about women.

Lesson #45646321368

GET YOURS.
I am not talking about sex. RESPECT.





This goes out to the women. I know it hurt. You'll be ok. <3

Lo and BEHOLD

I love this site, and I fuckin miss NY. I can't wait to dip outta here. Can't wait for LA, and I can't wait to get my tattoo.


Up and coming.

I was looking up music in NY. Checkin the scene I stumbled upon Children of The Night. They're based in NY...although there is a shit load of Children of The Night's...this one kinda stuck. They reminded me of my homeboys in NY.The song CONTACT HIGH. Ha I miss them. I don't miss hotboxin in the car but I do miss them.

I think I've had "spaz" by NERD on replay all day. The Let Go ft Louis Logic did a song called Party Crashers.

YEAH.


I fuckin miss you JOE. pay your bills and let's kick it.


I am super hyped for the weekend. Cause I get to kick it with the AnF staff crew and pick up my hundreds hat once n for all. Rock the living shit outta it.


Aside from that

Life is real good.

Hmm

I wanna be really good friends with everyone I meet.

Honestly, I can do without boyfriends right now.

People have their own things they gotta handle.

So do I.

RIGHT

b4 i forget









sister stole your phone =/

What's a Macau?

I didn't say it last night.

I love you too.



I only say that to a rare selection of people. Seeing all that you would do for me. Honesty, trustworthy, and all around friendship. I do love you.

thank you


and stop apologizing.



blahblahblahbioloblah

say what you need to say

Lets move on together. I promise to be a really great friend <3

The best I can be.

You know you were always better without me anyway.

wanna see iron man on friday?

Imposter Syndrome

My life feels like it's going no where. I don't feel that I have any accomplishments. I swear I thought I was going the right way...

Now

I feel like this is NOT for me.
I only finished 196 and now I don't want to continue on in this field.
I want to..and then I don't...


THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.

I am really frustrated.
I lied in bed thinking about what am I going to do with the rest of my life.


















I need to get out of here. I need to be somewhere I need to be somewhere else.....


















what is wrong with me....apparently there's a term for how I am feeling.



"Individuals experiencing this syndrome seem unable to internalize their accomplishments. Regardless of what level of success they may have achieved in their chosen field of work or study, or what external proof they may have of their competence, they remain convinced internally that they do not deserve the success they have achieved and are really frauds. Proofs of success are dismissed as luck, timing, or otherwise having deceived others into thinking they were more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be. This syndrome is thought to be particularly common among women who are successful in their given careers and is typically associated with academics."- wikipedia



thanks PSYCHOLOGY.





asssholleeesdkjf;lsakdjf;lsakdjf;lajksdf;kjdl;kfj;lskdjf

"Don't worry

be happy...doo doo doo doo doo dooododoodoododoodoo"

I gotta start living by this motto.
I think I spend too many days trying to figure out what to do. I let things simmer, and they burn. This month hasn't been too easy, but thankfully there are those that make life a little better.

I am finding I love my friends more and more each day. One in particular, I am pretty sure He knows who he is. Yeah, grilled cheese sandwiches are BOMB. Grateful to every extent of the word. You do more than you know. You have a beautiful soul. I think you should know that. I am glad you're my friend.....best friend. I know our situation isn't the easiest to explain, but despite what you may think I have a deep love and appreciation for you. THANK YOU. You made me feel better today. I couldn't have asked for more =D.

I wish that she could see what I see.


Do not size yourself up to anyone else. YOU are an AMAZING person. I think you need to start accepting that. No excuses. No But's. Just take it as is. Stop putting yourself DOWN cause then you can't see all the things people do to bring you up. ahem.

Phone works both ways last time I checked.









All night blast! lets get at those telomers

=D

Pale In Comparison

plights of the other man across the way are pale in comparison
to the pain in the silent screams inside my mind awaiting the healing words of a stubborn heart
cursed to the scars of a broken past embedded deep in the soul of a solemn man
who lacks wisdom in the experience of loving one othen than him
though words are a curse to those not well versed in contolling what meant but how said and less expressed in emotions to be able to contain them
yet the mouth that used to spill such perfect words can utter hate at the tip of the tongue the flip of the lip the cut at the "FU" end of the "KUH" person I, you screamed "YOU" seethed with the anger and my heart bleed enough secretly uttering

shut the f up











that sucked o the fuck well

It's not always rainbows and butterflies

although the sentences are of unprecedented amounts
i feel that we have sufficiently made our point
in one phrase

"I want to compromise, and I wish to understand."


Thank You

















I feel whole =]

It's the effort

So it has come to this. I am frustrated.

I have become worn out from keeping people happy.
I have been isolating myself
except from fasa

I have been slacking in school.

I need to straighten up.



Most of all...no more guys.















I throw it all off in my mind. No time for relationships I say. No time like now. I don't want to disapoint anyone anymore.




sad.














I can be happy surrounded by couples. I just can't make the x's smile.




roar.
















sigh




Sometimes it's just better to say what you feel.


Im going to go write now.

UNREQUITED

the poetry of a person
found in the depths of a kiss and affection
with breaths of life
put into every moment spent wishing
that this love was
"unconditional"
because for every beat of the heart
a song is played
for every person
a ballad is made
though words to the song are never spoken
the beats per minute
the spindle woven
and at times it tends to skip a beat
love's the same

rewind
fast forward
and repeat
every person has a song that verses arent written for
yet so little people listen for the beat
cause they're too busy looking for the lyrical
here it goes
my hearts poured out onto the floor

and we could dance to the tune
cause this is love UNCONDITIONAL

unconditionally, lovingly, hatefully
despising the words that don't come out
when the reprise comes up and the bridge fades out
and I feel as though I'm not worth this moment at all
cause i could pain myself trying to let you hear my song
yet so many songs are played for you
with mishappened beats
and a cliched word or two
rhyming love with above
and baby i'll be your lady
and Ill love you forever and a day..(maybe)
bump-ba-bump
my steady beat plays
and that's all I have

a beat

that only your face
your touch your love
activates to play
it races
it paces
and it's fine tuned to the the smile that creeps across your face
I'm so hazy cause my feelings aren't clairvoyant
so my heart grows weary from an empty audience
clap for a lonely entertainer
smile at her meek behaivior
tell her to be the listener
and not the player
acknowledge that you think you know something that might help her
words of advice or empathetic whispers
and still just a beat is played
and nothing is heard
fighting to find the right words

crush

crumpled up papers (done)

Spent too much time
Ive procrastinated enough to say
love
gave him a number and told him to wait

i wasnt ready


see i took pens and papers
lines and staplers
trying to write a composition worth
handing to you in a form of a note
pass it to you
like we used to in highschool
hope, you would find it cute
and pass it back
circle the yes
under the question
Do you like me yet?

except I let myself put that note in my back pocket with a rocket
my friend once told me could lift up my conscience

but like the note it never left the ground


paper never made so much sound
i never felt so much doubt
crumpled up hearts
never sounded so loud
paragraphs never covered more ground

small pieces are left
wind swept
meant to never be found

but then

oh love
do you complete it
piecing paper and glue
managing to save it

read it
repeat it
make paper hearts beat

and
make written word
speak

press papers against your chest

cease and regress

on how i took the words out my mouth and put it on a pad
stuffed it in my pocket and gave up on what i had

ripped it into pieces
to spread across the land
to have you re-piece it
and place it in your hand

so that you can read it
and tell me you said yes



yes......

my conscience rocket launched

"One small step for man......"

EHhh

vacate

intro: he is familiar love....my love that is familiar and comfortable to me

he gets me in ways no one has ever

i pray i do the same

start:

warm breathing on my ear
caressing feeling down the small of my back
he's making his move



to steal my heart





the defenses are set
my walls have codes
that are already preset
my locks stay cold
combination are 18 digits long
but hes breaking all of them down
and the walls fall by the ton

and my heart goes into a wild poetic rhetoric



why is a man who loves me feel the need to physically implore my body
and hit all the sensual spots marked with x and give the uttarance of sex
but brings me into a world a intimacy
could it be that he loves...?

no!
im wrong
eject
this has happened before
but he goes my my neck
wait
is this fated?
or infatuation?
mixed with a need of love and a grasp for lust between my leg's sensation
wait
he said he loved me
he grasps my heart
commands attention of my eyes
and takes hold of my soul
and wouldnt let go
im scared
but he wont let go
im frightened
but he wont let
go im easing into his arms
and letting my heart open up to his
wrapped in a mix of physical and emotional bliss
penetrating walls that he was only meant for
..only he can make me feel this way
make me feel safe with who i am inside and out emotionally physically

praying

that his love wont run out

like i did



i want him to stay and have my kid



kids



like boys and girl with my eyes his skin my lip his chin my smirk his hair my nails his height my arms his hands

his

mine

ours

us



will continue i am tired














working on it

Working

So Mike and I are bored and Im on myspace >.<

supposed to be studying oo wellllll illlll write somethinggggg weeeeeee



Infinite skies are in my dreams
holding the screams
i yell loudly in my head
persisting the resistence you present
as you hold your heart clutched in your hand
vice gripped hard locked on it
fingers hold tight
beating slow its ebonics
each beat per minute
begging
BEATING
to put it where it belongs
Me


-will get back

transporting words

if grief is tangible then happiness is conceptual

I live in days of remembrence over courtesies and caresses
poetic sentences uttered out the end of your fingertips
eloquence equaled by rhyme and repitence
over spindled beats and un hooked lines
made me remember when
it was you and i




see i would like to view the world obscured
faces blanked out by white with absence of emotion
if it could make my ignorant bliss endure and relieve my tension
but reality makes me a better fighter
so with clenched fists i grit words
that slip mouths like ventriloquists
till i am heard
and respected here after

im not saying it but i am

angry

trying to forget
the burns your words left me

Queen

another one bites the dust