Real Talk

Its maybe just the weather, or maybe I am thinking too much. Things I felt I could let go become huge obstacles to get over. I thought I was so strong. Now I feel helpless, and angry.

Granted I've been blessed with the presence of my friends and family.
Just these days I think about how much people have changed. Maybe it's my turn to do so.

Change...

I have done so many many many times. Yet to square one I come falling back. I can't unlearn the things I am so used to. I can't say "oh I just don't care". I do and at times I feel like kicking myself for doing so. For caring...for giving...for loving....for letting myself do those things so easily.

I am giving myself up for the hopes that someone will give something back to me. I deserve more than what I've been dealt, and with tears I can admit that to myself. That I admit that I accept that I am treated less than a human being when I offer my heart. Even more so......I've accepted that treatment, and swallowed it. Now it's left me scared.

.....alone.


Not loving...not needing...not wanting....anything...or anyone

I feel liberated

and really numb...


its cold

If I were a boy

If I were a boy
even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I'd never get confronted for it
cause they stick up to me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think i'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrooong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
and you don't understand, ohhhh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy


Best friend.....im working on it.....

it doesnt matter if you can sing

what matters is how loud you can sing






he will never cease to amaze me.


<3

we can only run so far

running
faster than
tears can
faster than
fall
faster than
heavy hearts can lift heavy lids to see sleep in the distance
to never reach its destination
till its your eyes that are filled with images of why it should hurt
but it does more than enough to make you forget that its not worth
the emotion
but still it tears and so you pant away your regrets into a pillow case thats become your bestfriend till you see her
lying face down in her bathroom
trying to hear the sound of hope
dwindling in the next window

hope in the next window
open the next window

let the door shut so you can leave this bathroom.

Low

he wants to have sex with me
breathly strokingly petting fingering poking me
slowly physically imploring me boring me
with his talk of good sex big penis and
moan stories
sorry i don't mean to demean your "manly glory"
last time i got wet was when i stepped in the shower
HOMMIE
and only thing that feened and pleaded

was the shampoo bottle


rinse

lather

wash

and repeat as needed

Game I can't win

we're timing each other
moving
smacking backs of clocks
matching each other's movements
thinking up strategies to check the opponent
mind games meticuliously implemented
so that moves must be carefully planned
till the players are guided by caluculating hands


i chose to build walls in defense of what's most precious to me
and in this romantic game of love your Knights prance L's
till loser across the board is all I see
nervous, I planned to make a come back with my pawns
to seduce you to thinking to move where i want

Like all higher beings

you see right through my fronts


so you take your casualties

as your rooks steal across

I fend for myself in a checkered box

he said

"no mercy in war and love"
and in this kingdowm of black and white
no grey arose


White castles
you stole
in a haste
black bishops
knelt
and prayed

and in my king's square dance

I asked him am I your pawn



or your queen?






"I can't play this game you make"

stop before I say something stupid