Imposter Syndrome

My life feels like it's going no where. I don't feel that I have any accomplishments. I swear I thought I was going the right way...

Now

I feel like this is NOT for me.
I only finished 196 and now I don't want to continue on in this field.
I want to..and then I don't...


THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.

I am really frustrated.
I lied in bed thinking about what am I going to do with the rest of my life.


















I need to get out of here. I need to be somewhere I need to be somewhere else.....


















what is wrong with me....apparently there's a term for how I am feeling.



"Individuals experiencing this syndrome seem unable to internalize their accomplishments. Regardless of what level of success they may have achieved in their chosen field of work or study, or what external proof they may have of their competence, they remain convinced internally that they do not deserve the success they have achieved and are really frauds. Proofs of success are dismissed as luck, timing, or otherwise having deceived others into thinking they were more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be. This syndrome is thought to be particularly common among women who are successful in their given careers and is typically associated with academics."- wikipedia



thanks PSYCHOLOGY.





asssholleeesdkjf;lsakdjf;lsakdjf;lajksdf;kjdl;kfj;lskdjf

"Don't worry

be happy...doo doo doo doo doo dooododoodoododoodoo"

I gotta start living by this motto.
I think I spend too many days trying to figure out what to do. I let things simmer, and they burn. This month hasn't been too easy, but thankfully there are those that make life a little better.

I am finding I love my friends more and more each day. One in particular, I am pretty sure He knows who he is. Yeah, grilled cheese sandwiches are BOMB. Grateful to every extent of the word. You do more than you know. You have a beautiful soul. I think you should know that. I am glad you're my friend.....best friend. I know our situation isn't the easiest to explain, but despite what you may think I have a deep love and appreciation for you. THANK YOU. You made me feel better today. I couldn't have asked for more =D.

I wish that she could see what I see.


Do not size yourself up to anyone else. YOU are an AMAZING person. I think you need to start accepting that. No excuses. No But's. Just take it as is. Stop putting yourself DOWN cause then you can't see all the things people do to bring you up. ahem.

Phone works both ways last time I checked.









All night blast! lets get at those telomers

=D

Pale In Comparison

plights of the other man across the way are pale in comparison
to the pain in the silent screams inside my mind awaiting the healing words of a stubborn heart
cursed to the scars of a broken past embedded deep in the soul of a solemn man
who lacks wisdom in the experience of loving one othen than him
though words are a curse to those not well versed in contolling what meant but how said and less expressed in emotions to be able to contain them
yet the mouth that used to spill such perfect words can utter hate at the tip of the tongue the flip of the lip the cut at the "FU" end of the "KUH" person I, you screamed "YOU" seethed with the anger and my heart bleed enough secretly uttering

shut the f up











that sucked o the fuck well

It's not always rainbows and butterflies

although the sentences are of unprecedented amounts
i feel that we have sufficiently made our point
in one phrase

"I want to compromise, and I wish to understand."


Thank You

















I feel whole =]

It's the effort

So it has come to this. I am frustrated.

I have become worn out from keeping people happy.
I have been isolating myself
except from fasa

I have been slacking in school.

I need to straighten up.



Most of all...no more guys.















I throw it all off in my mind. No time for relationships I say. No time like now. I don't want to disapoint anyone anymore.




sad.














I can be happy surrounded by couples. I just can't make the x's smile.




roar.
















sigh




Sometimes it's just better to say what you feel.


Im going to go write now.

UNREQUITED

the poetry of a person
found in the depths of a kiss and affection
with breaths of life
put into every moment spent wishing
that this love was
"unconditional"
because for every beat of the heart
a song is played
for every person
a ballad is made
though words to the song are never spoken
the beats per minute
the spindle woven
and at times it tends to skip a beat
love's the same

rewind
fast forward
and repeat
every person has a song that verses arent written for
yet so little people listen for the beat
cause they're too busy looking for the lyrical
here it goes
my hearts poured out onto the floor

and we could dance to the tune
cause this is love UNCONDITIONAL

unconditionally, lovingly, hatefully
despising the words that don't come out
when the reprise comes up and the bridge fades out
and I feel as though I'm not worth this moment at all
cause i could pain myself trying to let you hear my song
yet so many songs are played for you
with mishappened beats
and a cliched word or two
rhyming love with above
and baby i'll be your lady
and Ill love you forever and a day..(maybe)
bump-ba-bump
my steady beat plays
and that's all I have

a beat

that only your face
your touch your love
activates to play
it races
it paces
and it's fine tuned to the the smile that creeps across your face
I'm so hazy cause my feelings aren't clairvoyant
so my heart grows weary from an empty audience
clap for a lonely entertainer
smile at her meek behaivior
tell her to be the listener
and not the player
acknowledge that you think you know something that might help her
words of advice or empathetic whispers
and still just a beat is played
and nothing is heard
fighting to find the right words

crush

crumpled up papers (done)

Spent too much time
Ive procrastinated enough to say
love
gave him a number and told him to wait

i wasnt ready


see i took pens and papers
lines and staplers
trying to write a composition worth
handing to you in a form of a note
pass it to you
like we used to in highschool
hope, you would find it cute
and pass it back
circle the yes
under the question
Do you like me yet?

except I let myself put that note in my back pocket with a rocket
my friend once told me could lift up my conscience

but like the note it never left the ground


paper never made so much sound
i never felt so much doubt
crumpled up hearts
never sounded so loud
paragraphs never covered more ground

small pieces are left
wind swept
meant to never be found

but then

oh love
do you complete it
piecing paper and glue
managing to save it

read it
repeat it
make paper hearts beat

and
make written word
speak

press papers against your chest

cease and regress

on how i took the words out my mouth and put it on a pad
stuffed it in my pocket and gave up on what i had

ripped it into pieces
to spread across the land
to have you re-piece it
and place it in your hand

so that you can read it
and tell me you said yes



yes......

my conscience rocket launched

"One small step for man......"